Something New

Work has been more stressful lately and I have allowed myself to use that as an excuse to not do what I am supposed to be doing.  I haven't gained any weight, but I haven't lost anything either.

So, I decided to give Weight Watchers a try.  I'm not sure what makes me think I will do better at that than I do at My Fitness Pal or with my Fitbit.  But I want to try.

Today was a VERY successful day. 

Nutrition - I tracked my food and counted my points.  My goal was to use only my daily allotted points and not dig into my weekly extra or activity points.  I was close.  I went one over, but that isn't so bad. 

Activity - I was back on my C25K program.  I tried the last couple of days, but I was unable to work out at lunch and I just wasn't very successful at running after work.  I walked instead which was the best compromise I could find.  But today I was back at it at lunch and I attempted 5 minute intervals.

I got through my first three 5 minute intervals, but when I got to the fourth, I couldn't do the whole thing without slowing down.  So, I broke them up into 2.5, 2 & 1 minute intervals.  But I kept up the pace for all of the runs.  I'm going to give it another attempt tomorrow and see if I can stretch it out more. 

Water - I drank at least 8 cups today.

I think my hunger was at a very acceptable level.  I just have to keep myself accountable.  I'm unhappy with myself physically and the only person that can do a thing about that is me. 

Monday...you know, Hampster Day.

Thursday I went for my allergy re-test and fill.  I'm really glad that I took the day off because it was a rough day and I was pretty cranky.  My allergy test was in the morning.  They prick you on your back in around 40 different places and they all contain different allergens. 

My results were almost the same as the were 5 years ago.  At first I was disappointed, but my doctor explained that it was not completely abnormal.  When I started years ago, I was getting worse and worse, but over the years, I have gotten better.  The hope would be that A. they are on their way back down and B. my symptoms are controlled and that is the biggest issue anyway.

If I can keep from getting sick on a regular basis (I was averaging sinus infections every 6-8 weeks), then that is all I need.  I had a really bad one back in September when I went to Chicago.  After that, I started using a Nettie Pot and I haven't gotten one since.  That is almost 4 MONTHS...I will take it!!

In the afternoon, I went for my fill.  They gave me another 2 tenths.  I was happy with that and liquids went through the rest of the day with no problem. 

Friday I was still a little cranky because I was on liquids, but I made it through!  Saturday was better.  I went to a training program at church in the morning.  I'm going to start the nursing home ministry at my church this year.  It is a big commitment, but I'm really hoping to bring joy to people and I'm excited.

Saturday evening I went to church and then went over to BFF's to watch some Downton Abby.  We are both on Season 2.  On Sunday, I slept in which was nice.  Then that afternoon I headed to Dallas to join BFF and some other friends for dinner and the Maverick's game.  Jazzercise was doing a dance there.  I have done it the last couple of years, but I sat out this year and just watched.  They did a great job!

Today I'm back at work and I'm back in the groove.  I had a shake for breakfast.  At lunch I did my running program and I'm thrilled to say that I finished today's planned run!  Basically it was run three minutes and walk one minute, seven times.  While I have "ran" up to 40 minutes in the past, it was at a very slow pace.  I'm trying to increase my pace to 5 mph.  I was able to keep that pace and I couldn't be happier.

I'm supposed to do 4 minutes of running with 1 minute walking rests (six times) on Wednesday and Thursday.  I have no idea how I'm going to do that seeing as I felt like I was going to pass out on my last couple rounds of 3 minutes today.  But I will try and I will keep trying until I can do it!

Putting my mind at the ready...

I'm ready for my fill on Thursday.  I'm starting to lose the hunger battle.  Not in a horrible way, but I have gone from conquering it for losses, to fighting it for status quo.  I hate the thought that my choices of WHAT to eat are going to be limited, but I can't fight this anymore.  This is why I got the band in the first place.

I'm in the zone, so I know it is the right thing to do.  I got my Creamy Chicken Divan Soup recipe all printed out and ready to go for the weekend.

Today, quite strongly, I feel the hampster metaphor.  Back on my wheel, I hop.  Run, run, run.  Squeak, squeak, squeak.  And yet, I never seem to get anywhere.  I hope it doesn't sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself.  It isn't that.  I'm just truly starting to understand what fighting something "for the rest of my life" feels like.

I knew that I would always have to fight this.  I did not go into this like some, thinking that this was a magic answer.  But I do think deep down, I thought eventually it would be easier.  I didn't even think it consciously.  But now, three years out, it is still just as hard as day 1 and I feel disappointed.  And I know that if I let go for an extended period of time?  I would be right back AT day 1.

I'm not going to do that. Even if I didn't lose any weight this week, I worked out six times and we all know that is good for my body, whether it weighs the same or not.  So, net-net, I'm doing what I need to do. 

I'm a little nervous today, because I'm going to try my running program again.  That isn't a big deal except, I will have to run 2 minutes at a time instead of 1 minute.  Again, no big deal except that I'm trying to increase my pace.  I'm SO S-L-O-W.  I don't mean to be.  I push myself as hard as I can.  I'm just slow.  So I have increased my normal pace by 2 tenths.  That doesn't seem like much, but when you are already doing the thing that you feel like is the hardest thing for you to do...2 tenths feels like a sprint. 

I don't know if I can run 2 minutes at a time at that pace, 10 times.  But I'm going to try.  And if I just can't do it, I will adjust.  I haven't decided how exactly, but I will figure something out.  And I will keep doing it over and over until I can do it at my pace.  Then I will move to the next step.  It might take me all damn year, but I'm going to do this.

In the meantime, I'm getting all sorts of good cardio! 

Also, I feel pretty today.  It won't last all day, but I'm having a pretty morning.  And I'm going to keep fighting until that feeling lasts!

I wish and I'm glad

I wish that I didn't have an f*d up relationship with food.

I'm glad that I'm healthy enough to fight this battle without worrying about pain or being sick.  I'm so fortunate.

I wish that I hadn't drank so much yesterday.

I'm glad that I have a BFF that is so much fun to be around.

I wish that I was a more natural runner.

I'm glad I bought new shoes over the weekend, so I can see if that helps my shin splint issue.

I wish that I would stop eating when I was full.

I'm glad that I love my job.

I wish that my weight weren't the #1 way I judge myself.

I'm glad that I was blessed with the intelligence and independence to support myself the way I do.

I wish that more people thought about how their actions and words might affect others.

I'm glad to have somewhere to write down my random thoughts. 

I wish my thoughts were a little more cohesive today.

I'm glad I make myself look at what is good and not focus on what is bad.

I wish I didn't have to.

Still feeling successful...

Yesterday morning, I was so happy and so chirpy.  I mean, I just found out I lost 2.6 pounds last week.  And 7 pounds since the beginning of the year.  That is a BIG deal and I should have been happy and chirpy!

But when I went to work out, my mood just kind of fell apart.  I am hugely proud of myself for finishing 35 minutes on the elliptical.  At minute 4, I truly wanted to quit.  My lungs felt bizarrely heavy, I was fatigued, I was truly huffing and puffing.  But I thought of those poor folks on The Biggest Loser and how if they didn't keel over and die...I'm not going to either.

The whole afternoon I was tired and hungry.  I ate my meals and my snacks and I was still SO hungry.  I was going to the grocery store after work and I realized that was a big, fat mistake so I just went home.  I had my dinner and I was still SO hungry so I added a bowl of oatmeal.  That at least got me through the evening so I could go to bed and sleep (before 9pm...)

I realized this morning that I didn't even manage to bring in my food delivery and there it was on the step when I walked out this morning.  I was just out of it!  Anyway, today I'm feeling hungrier than usual for this time of day.  I think making a fill appointment was the right thing to do.  I'm making good choices and I'm not mindlessly eating.  I had forgotten what it was like to feel this hungry and remembered why I got the band in the first place. 

I'm just going to have to fight it for another week.  But millions of people are fighting obesity every day and many of them don't have the tools and resources that I do.  I will not be a victim.  I believe that I need to lose about 7-15 pounds to completely lose my sleep apnea.  That is my short term goal.  I hate that I let this happen because being tired makes everything else seem so much harder. 

Here is the picture I mentioned yesterday.  Last year (actually the year before) I had gotten to the point that I enjoyed getting my picture taken.  I don't need perfection.  But I know I'm not happy with myself because I just don't like my pictures.  It's okay.  I know I will again soon.

Ultimately Fine

I'm feeling SO good today!

First, I'm wearing an outfit from the archives and it must look good because people keep telling me how nice I look.  Well, either that or it's bad and they just don't know what else to say.  Ha!

I was going to let you be the judge, but for some reason, I can't upload pictures today.  Weird.

Anyway, this is a super happy day.  First, my beautiful friend Ronnie got engaged and that is just fantastic.  I love that she is so happy!

Second, I had a great weigh in day today.  I decided that Mondays just didn't work for my weigh in day.  I'm always bloated from the weekend and I can't get a good read on things, so I have changed it to Wednesday.  I can do whatever I want, right?

It works out because I started this latest adventure on a Wednesday anyway, 1/02.  I'm thrilled to say by 1/09, I was down 4.4 pounds.  Today...I'm down another 2.6 pounds.  I couldn't be more proud. 

I will say that it has been truly difficult.  I'm hungry most all of the time and it feels like old school dieting.  I have a fill scheduled on 1/24 to help curb my hunger so I can focus on portion control.  I don't want much, just a tweak so my stomach isn't growling after only an hour after eating. 

I decided that I was stressing myself out about CrossFit, so I put it on hold for February.  My plan is to continue with what I'm doing until March and then reevaluate.  I just don't want to mess with the success I have going.  I realize that it has only been two weeks, and there is a LONG way to go.  But, honestly, this is the best I have done in a really long time and I'm happy and proud.

I do the aerobic workouts on the elliptical.  So, it goes like this:

• 2 min - regular pace
• 1 min - focus on pushing arms
• 1 min - focus on pulling arms
• 1 min - sprint
• 1 min - keep between 2-3 mph (which is hard to do after sprinting!)
• 2 min - lower body only
• 2 min - go in reverse

That is a 10 minute rotation, so if I go thirty-five minutes, I have three rounds of that and a five minute cool down.  When I first started, I was do level 1 or 2...maybe 3 if I was feeling sassy, and never really get over 6 mph, even in my sprints.  Yesterday, I did the first round at level 8, second round at level 9, and third round at level 10.  I was able to get over 10 mph in my first round sprint.  My goal is when I get to a 10 mph sprint at a level, I will move up.  So, today, I'm going to start at a level 9 and hope that I get to a 10 mph sprint.  I have no idea how many level there are.  I just need a goal.  :-)

Hope hot gym guy is down there again today.  He helps the time go a little faster!!

What I love about Skeeter...

I just read Amy's post and it got me thinking that I need to get perspective.  My quest is for balance, right?  So, I can't focus 100% on weightloss.  I can't forget about it, but I'm going to focus myself just for a few minutes and what I do like about myself.

What I like about Skeeter...

• I love that I have found peace in my life and don't get stressed out like I used too.  (I know that is hard to believe, but it is really true.  I used to be a basketcase.)
• I love that I always see the best in others until they give me a reason not to...and even then sometimes I still see the good over the bad.
• I love that people know when I'm smiling even if my mouth isn't smiling.
• I love my strong sense of loyalty.
• I love that I'm always looking for better.
• I love my relationship with God.
• I love that people want to work for me.
• I love that my boss thinks highly of me.
• I love that I love spending time with my parents.
• I love that I have worked to limit time with people that don't give back what I give to them (emotionally.)
• I love that I love to try new things.
• I love that I have pushed myself to do the things I love doing (like going to the theater, traveling, etc.)
• I love that I'm learning to be me.

Losing weight or not losing weight doesn't define me with other people.  I need to learn to not let it define me to me.