Monday...you know, Hampster Day.

Thursday I went for my allergy re-test and fill.  I'm really glad that I took the day off because it was a rough day and I was pretty cranky.  My allergy test was in the morning.  They prick you on your back in around 40 different places and they all contain different allergens. 

My results were almost the same as the were 5 years ago.  At first I was disappointed, but my doctor explained that it was not completely abnormal.  When I started years ago, I was getting worse and worse, but over the years, I have gotten better.  The hope would be that A. they are on their way back down and B. my symptoms are controlled and that is the biggest issue anyway.

If I can keep from getting sick on a regular basis (I was averaging sinus infections every 6-8 weeks), then that is all I need.  I had a really bad one back in September when I went to Chicago.  After that, I started using a Nettie Pot and I haven't gotten one since.  That is almost 4 MONTHS...I will take it!!

In the afternoon, I went for my fill.  They gave me another 2 tenths.  I was happy with that and liquids went through the rest of the day with no problem. 

Friday I was still a little cranky because I was on liquids, but I made it through!  Saturday was better.  I went to a training program at church in the morning.  I'm going to start the nursing home ministry at my church this year.  It is a big commitment, but I'm really hoping to bring joy to people and I'm excited.

Saturday evening I went to church and then went over to BFF's to watch some Downton Abby.  We are both on Season 2.  On Sunday, I slept in which was nice.  Then that afternoon I headed to Dallas to join BFF and some other friends for dinner and the Maverick's game.  Jazzercise was doing a dance there.  I have done it the last couple of years, but I sat out this year and just watched.  They did a great job!

Today I'm back at work and I'm back in the groove.  I had a shake for breakfast.  At lunch I did my running program and I'm thrilled to say that I finished today's planned run!  Basically it was run three minutes and walk one minute, seven times.  While I have "ran" up to 40 minutes in the past, it was at a very slow pace.  I'm trying to increase my pace to 5 mph.  I was able to keep that pace and I couldn't be happier.

I'm supposed to do 4 minutes of running with 1 minute walking rests (six times) on Wednesday and Thursday.  I have no idea how I'm going to do that seeing as I felt like I was going to pass out on my last couple rounds of 3 minutes today.  But I will try and I will keep trying until I can do it!

Putting my mind at the ready...

I'm ready for my fill on Thursday.  I'm starting to lose the hunger battle.  Not in a horrible way, but I have gone from conquering it for losses, to fighting it for status quo.  I hate the thought that my choices of WHAT to eat are going to be limited, but I can't fight this anymore.  This is why I got the band in the first place.

I'm in the zone, so I know it is the right thing to do.  I got my Creamy Chicken Divan Soup recipe all printed out and ready to go for the weekend.

Today, quite strongly, I feel the hampster metaphor.  Back on my wheel, I hop.  Run, run, run.  Squeak, squeak, squeak.  And yet, I never seem to get anywhere.  I hope it doesn't sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself.  It isn't that.  I'm just truly starting to understand what fighting something "for the rest of my life" feels like.

I knew that I would always have to fight this.  I did not go into this like some, thinking that this was a magic answer.  But I do think deep down, I thought eventually it would be easier.  I didn't even think it consciously.  But now, three years out, it is still just as hard as day 1 and I feel disappointed.  And I know that if I let go for an extended period of time?  I would be right back AT day 1.

I'm not going to do that. Even if I didn't lose any weight this week, I worked out six times and we all know that is good for my body, whether it weighs the same or not.  So, net-net, I'm doing what I need to do. 

I'm a little nervous today, because I'm going to try my running program again.  That isn't a big deal except, I will have to run 2 minutes at a time instead of 1 minute.  Again, no big deal except that I'm trying to increase my pace.  I'm SO S-L-O-W.  I don't mean to be.  I push myself as hard as I can.  I'm just slow.  So I have increased my normal pace by 2 tenths.  That doesn't seem like much, but when you are already doing the thing that you feel like is the hardest thing for you to do...2 tenths feels like a sprint. 

I don't know if I can run 2 minutes at a time at that pace, 10 times.  But I'm going to try.  And if I just can't do it, I will adjust.  I haven't decided how exactly, but I will figure something out.  And I will keep doing it over and over until I can do it at my pace.  Then I will move to the next step.  It might take me all damn year, but I'm going to do this.

In the meantime, I'm getting all sorts of good cardio! 

Also, I feel pretty today.  It won't last all day, but I'm having a pretty morning.  And I'm going to keep fighting until that feeling lasts!

I wish and I'm glad

I wish that I didn't have an f*d up relationship with food.

I'm glad that I'm healthy enough to fight this battle without worrying about pain or being sick.  I'm so fortunate.

I wish that I hadn't drank so much yesterday.

I'm glad that I have a BFF that is so much fun to be around.

I wish that I was a more natural runner.

I'm glad I bought new shoes over the weekend, so I can see if that helps my shin splint issue.

I wish that I would stop eating when I was full.

I'm glad that I love my job.

I wish that my weight weren't the #1 way I judge myself.

I'm glad that I was blessed with the intelligence and independence to support myself the way I do.

I wish that more people thought about how their actions and words might affect others.

I'm glad to have somewhere to write down my random thoughts. 

I wish my thoughts were a little more cohesive today.

I'm glad I make myself look at what is good and not focus on what is bad.

I wish I didn't have to.

Still feeling successful...

Yesterday morning, I was so happy and so chirpy.  I mean, I just found out I lost 2.6 pounds last week.  And 7 pounds since the beginning of the year.  That is a BIG deal and I should have been happy and chirpy!

But when I went to work out, my mood just kind of fell apart.  I am hugely proud of myself for finishing 35 minutes on the elliptical.  At minute 4, I truly wanted to quit.  My lungs felt bizarrely heavy, I was fatigued, I was truly huffing and puffing.  But I thought of those poor folks on The Biggest Loser and how if they didn't keel over and die...I'm not going to either.

The whole afternoon I was tired and hungry.  I ate my meals and my snacks and I was still SO hungry.  I was going to the grocery store after work and I realized that was a big, fat mistake so I just went home.  I had my dinner and I was still SO hungry so I added a bowl of oatmeal.  That at least got me through the evening so I could go to bed and sleep (before 9pm...)

I realized this morning that I didn't even manage to bring in my food delivery and there it was on the step when I walked out this morning.  I was just out of it!  Anyway, today I'm feeling hungrier than usual for this time of day.  I think making a fill appointment was the right thing to do.  I'm making good choices and I'm not mindlessly eating.  I had forgotten what it was like to feel this hungry and remembered why I got the band in the first place. 

I'm just going to have to fight it for another week.  But millions of people are fighting obesity every day and many of them don't have the tools and resources that I do.  I will not be a victim.  I believe that I need to lose about 7-15 pounds to completely lose my sleep apnea.  That is my short term goal.  I hate that I let this happen because being tired makes everything else seem so much harder. 

Here is the picture I mentioned yesterday.  Last year (actually the year before) I had gotten to the point that I enjoyed getting my picture taken.  I don't need perfection.  But I know I'm not happy with myself because I just don't like my pictures.  It's okay.  I know I will again soon.

Ultimately Fine

I'm feeling SO good today!

First, I'm wearing an outfit from the archives and it must look good because people keep telling me how nice I look.  Well, either that or it's bad and they just don't know what else to say.  Ha!

I was going to let you be the judge, but for some reason, I can't upload pictures today.  Weird.

Anyway, this is a super happy day.  First, my beautiful friend Ronnie got engaged and that is just fantastic.  I love that she is so happy!

Second, I had a great weigh in day today.  I decided that Mondays just didn't work for my weigh in day.  I'm always bloated from the weekend and I can't get a good read on things, so I have changed it to Wednesday.  I can do whatever I want, right?

It works out because I started this latest adventure on a Wednesday anyway, 1/02.  I'm thrilled to say by 1/09, I was down 4.4 pounds.  Today...I'm down another 2.6 pounds.  I couldn't be more proud. 

I will say that it has been truly difficult.  I'm hungry most all of the time and it feels like old school dieting.  I have a fill scheduled on 1/24 to help curb my hunger so I can focus on portion control.  I don't want much, just a tweak so my stomach isn't growling after only an hour after eating. 

I decided that I was stressing myself out about CrossFit, so I put it on hold for February.  My plan is to continue with what I'm doing until March and then reevaluate.  I just don't want to mess with the success I have going.  I realize that it has only been two weeks, and there is a LONG way to go.  But, honestly, this is the best I have done in a really long time and I'm happy and proud.

I do the aerobic workouts on the elliptical.  So, it goes like this:

• 2 min - regular pace
• 1 min - focus on pushing arms
• 1 min - focus on pulling arms
• 1 min - sprint
• 1 min - keep between 2-3 mph (which is hard to do after sprinting!)
• 2 min - lower body only
• 2 min - go in reverse

That is a 10 minute rotation, so if I go thirty-five minutes, I have three rounds of that and a five minute cool down.  When I first started, I was do level 1 or 2...maybe 3 if I was feeling sassy, and never really get over 6 mph, even in my sprints.  Yesterday, I did the first round at level 8, second round at level 9, and third round at level 10.  I was able to get over 10 mph in my first round sprint.  My goal is when I get to a 10 mph sprint at a level, I will move up.  So, today, I'm going to start at a level 9 and hope that I get to a 10 mph sprint.  I have no idea how many level there are.  I just need a goal.  :-)

Hope hot gym guy is down there again today.  He helps the time go a little faster!!

What I love about Skeeter...

I just read Amy's post and it got me thinking that I need to get perspective.  My quest is for balance, right?  So, I can't focus 100% on weightloss.  I can't forget about it, but I'm going to focus myself just for a few minutes and what I do like about myself.

What I like about Skeeter...

• I love that I have found peace in my life and don't get stressed out like I used too.  (I know that is hard to believe, but it is really true.  I used to be a basketcase.)
• I love that I always see the best in others until they give me a reason not to...and even then sometimes I still see the good over the bad.
• I love that people know when I'm smiling even if my mouth isn't smiling.
• I love my strong sense of loyalty.
• I love that I'm always looking for better.
• I love my relationship with God.
• I love that people want to work for me.
• I love that my boss thinks highly of me.
• I love that I love spending time with my parents.
• I love that I have worked to limit time with people that don't give back what I give to them (emotionally.)
• I love that I love to try new things.
• I love that I have pushed myself to do the things I love doing (like going to the theater, traveling, etc.)
• I love that I'm learning to be me.

Losing weight or not losing weight doesn't define me with other people.  I need to learn to not let it define me to me.

Getting back on the Hampster Wheel

It is Monday morning and because I wasn't obsessive about everything over the weekend, I did not have a good morning on the scale.  Last week, I have four AMAZINGLY perfect days.  I ate perfectly and I worked out every day.  Stellar!

But then the weekend came along.  I feel like I was okay on Friday.  I worked out.  I ate very well for breakfast and lunch.  For dinner, I splurged a little but it was Mediterranean food and not really heavy.  I did have a few drinks though which are empty calories.

On the balance side, I had fun Friday night and I don't think I would have changed a single thing.

Saturday and Sunday, I didn't work out at all and I made not-so-stellar food choices.  In a quest for balance, let's assess, shall we?

While I am fine with my choices on Friday, I'm not fine with my choices for Saturday and Sunday.  I know that not ever weekend will give me an opportunity to eat well and exercise, but I should take advantage when I can.  I didn't work out either day because I was lazy.  There was ample time both days.

But for argument's sake, let's say that I couldn't work out.  I could have made better food choices.  Bad choices:

• Saturday dinner - healthy option, too big of a portion.
• Too many drinks Saturday night.
• Sunday breakfast - not a healthy option, too big of a portion.
• Sunday dinner - healthy option, too big of a portion.

I'm not telling myself that I need to eat grilled chicken and veggies for every meal, but there are opportunities to pick low hanging fruit here.  I did NOT need to go back for more on Saturday and I should have had half my portion on Sunday.  I think it is clear that I need a fill. ******

****  I literally just took a break to go schedule a fill.  If I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this.  Unfortunately, I got voicemail, so hopefully she calls back soon.

On a positive note, I'm really glad that I'm working out so regularly.  I'm going to attempt to run today, but if my shins bother me AT ALL, back to the elliptical I go. 

Taking a break from health & fitness, my life was pretty great this weekend.  I enjoyed time with my friends on Friday and had a lovely lazy day on Saturday.  Yesterday I saw Zero Dark Thirty and really enjoyed it!

Aargh!

I'm so frustrated!!  I have shin splints.  WTF?  I didn't even know what they were because I have never dealt with them before.  My first thought was F*CK this, I'm done.  I tried, my body said NO, so I'm done.  I was on such a roll and hardly had to push myself to work out.  My food is coming along just fine as well.  It is like it is a freaking conspiracy. 

But then I finished my little pity party and set about modifying my plans so I can continue.  I immediately started the stretching exercises that are supposed to help.  Basically the biggest thing to get rid of them is to quit running.  Today I'm supposed to walk (per my running schedule), but I think I will do the elliptical to limit impact, plus I think it helps strengthen the muscles in my legs that will help. Additionally, I'm going to Jazzercise tonight even if I have to go in my leftover lunch stinky workout clothes.  What are you going to do?  I forgot extras.  I can always do low impact Jazzercise if I feel anything in my shins.

Tomorrow I'm scheduled to run again, but I'm guessing that one day of rest is not what is meant by "quit running until they are better."  I plan to elliptical (ellipticize?) tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday.  My hope is that by Monday I will be better and can resume my running program.  If not, fine.  The most important thing is that I'm working out.  The competitive part of me wants to conquer this running program, but I have to keep my eye on the prize.  It doesn't matter what I'm doing, as long as I'm doing something.

So really, what is the big deal?  I think it is this.  I feel guilty about not going to CrossFit.  I haven't been for a month.  Why? 

1. Sleep.  The biggest reason is because I'm so tired.  I know my sleep apnea is back because of the weight gain and I'm having trouble fighting through the day with a normal schedule.  The thought of getting up at 5:30 is just beyond what I want to do right now.
2. Running.  I did feel like I wanted to get back into running, to work on my cardio and to boost weight loss.  So, I didn't feel guilty for not going to CF because I was working on this awesome goal. 

Now that I don't feel like I'm working on that awesome goal because I can't run, I feel like I should go to CrossFit.  With just a 5 pound loss, I can tell my sleeping is better, but I think I need to lose another 10-15 to get back to normal.

I think maybe I will try to go to CrossFit ONE time next week.  No big pressure, just once.  Then evaluate how it goes.  I don't know why it has to be all or nothing with me?  Ugh. 

I have a fun weekend coming up, but it will challenge me to be as good as I was last weekend.  Tomorrow night I'm eating out, which should be fine, but I will be drinking too.  That I will have to limit.

Saturday, BFF is coming over for dinner and I'm making chicken tacos.  That should be fine.  Sunday, we are going to the movie to see Zero Dark Thirty and I will have to fight the popcorn urge there.  One day at a time!

The weekend is almost here!!

2013 Path

I feel good.  It is amazing what one week of healthy living can do.  I'm definitely inspired to keep going. 

I have my first Interesting Dinner of 2013.  Since October 2004, I have been a part of a girls group that goes to dinner together once a month.  We added a few people over the years and this year we are changing it up quite a bit.  Three of ladies that were a part of the group have decided to drop out of the group and we have added a few new folks, including my BBF Debi!  I couldn't be more excited.  In order to splurge a bit (just a bit, no need to go crazy!), I'm going to add a 2nd workout on Thursday so I don't feel guilty.  I really want a second splendid week!

I have been thinking about New Year's resolutions and/or how I want to spend my time and resources in 2013.  I was very specific in my goals for 2012 and I was spectacular in my failure with them.  However, with the exception of weight, I had a fantastic 2012.  In fact, my word of the year was LIVE and I certainly did that.  So this year I want to be less specific, and more adaptable with an emphasis on good choices all around.

I can break my life down into these major sections:

• Spirituality/Church
• Work
• Relationships
• Health & Fitness
• Household
• Personal Time

Spirituality/Church - I currently give monthly (although less than I probably should) and serve as an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion.  However, I was feeling called to do more and have signed up to become a minister to the sick and home bound.  I will take communion to those that are in the nursing home.  I have no idea if this is the right ministry for me, but I'm going to give it a try.  My training meeting is 1/26 and I will get more information there. 

Work - I am in charge of a new venture at work.  It is like nothing I have ever done and I'm proud that our leadership has this faith in me.  My commitment is to continue to do the best job possible and hold my staff to the highest standards.  We have a fantastic team so I do not anticipate any issues here.  The one challenge is that I might have to put in more time, at least for a while.  That will require more effort in life balance.

Relationships - Over the last few years, I have worked hard to identify the most important relationships in my life and focus the lion share of my effort on those.  I spent a lot of time fostering relationships that were wildly uneven.  I am a ridiculously loyal person and sometimes I end up on the losing end of things.  But spending my time focusing on people that love me like I love them has helped me figure out the best path.  It isn't always obvious who your best friends are, but sometimes it is just clear like God wrote it across the sky.

Health & Fitness - The only 2013 goal I'm going to make is to make good choices and focus on my short term small goals.  I would like to be 30 pounds lighter by the end of the year.  That is basically losing what I gained in 2012.  I'm not going to obsess over it, but I hope by focusing on the smaller goals, it will get me there in the end.

Household - I was so specific last year with my organizing and quit after about two weeks.  But by the end of the year, I had organized my spare room and cleaned out my closet.  So, my overall goal for the year would be to continue on the decluttering and organizing path.  I would like to add an organizing cabinet in my bedroom like I did the spare room.  I would also like to redecorate my bedroom, but I think that needs to be a reward for something.  Maybe for getting back to my pre-plastics weight!

Personal Time - I like that I have cut down on the TV I watch and I would like that to continue.  I would like to spend more time reading and on fitness over the year.  Additionally, I would like to get back to piano playing.  I honestly don't think I have touched it since last January.  I need to make an effort. 

This at least gives me a path for 2013.  I can't wait to see how it develops!

I did it!

I'm going to call the weekend a success!!!

Friday I went to the Chinese Lantern Festival with BFF and ShareBear.  We had a very nice time even if I thought it was a little overpriced.  Afterward we went to Company Cafe which is one of our favorite restaurants and I had loaded sweet potato fries.  I also had a beer.  Except for the one beer, that was the plan.

Saturday I got up and went to Jazzercise for the first time in several months.  I was scared because I feel out of shape and I thought it would be awful.  It was actually quite awesome and I had a great time.  Not only could I do the class, I did almost all high impact and I used 10 pound weights.  Woohoo!  The Jazzercise 2 day sale is going on this week, so I signed up.  I may not go all the time, but I think the price is worth it to be able to go when I want to go.  Especially on weekends...

After Jazzercise, I did some chores and errands and caught up on some more TV.  In the late afternoon BFF and I went to see Silver Linings Playbook.  Fantastic!!  Loved it!  Also, the biggest surprise of all was that I did not have any popcorn at all!!

After the movie, we were supposed to go to PF Changs and I had planned out what to eat.  Well, the wait was over an hour and we were hungry.  So we ended up going to Esparza's mexican restaurant.  I will say that I did not eat as healthy as I had originally anticipated, but I did make choices that I wouldn't normally make and I still feel that I did well.

Sunday we went to church and had breakfast out as planned.  After breakfast, I did some errands and then I had a choice to make.  I needed to take down my Christmas tree, but I also was scheduled to run that day.  I decided that I live alone and my tree could stay up for months without anyone but BFF knowing about it, so I ran.  And I'm so glad I did!!

That night I grilled steaks and roasted root vegetables both for the first time.  It was the most yummy meal and BFF loved it too! 

This morning I woke up 3.2 pounds lighter from my "restart" on 01/02/13.  That feels really good and motivates me to have another great week!

Today I was scheduled to run at lunch.  Godmother is doing it with me and she wanted to back out today.  I encouraged her that she would feel better if she did it and got her to go.  We were both glad to get it done!

I do have a bit of upsetting news.  My sleep apnea appears to be back.  It is distressing that I gained enough weight for it to be a factor.  I had given my tonsilectomy too much credit.  It is nice to know that hard work really does pay off and I know I will lose the weight to make it better.  I think I only need to lose about 10-15 pounds to make it go away.  I can do that!  In fact, my hope is to 40 pounds this year.  It will take a lot of work and focus, but there isn't any reason I can't get it done.

I'm scared of the weekend...

Monday through Friday my life is very routine.  With that routine, I have a lot of control.  I drink coffee when I get to work and eat my breakfast at my desk sometime later...maybe around 9:30.  Right now I'm working out at lunch, so I eat at my desk when I'm done with that. 

Typically, I have my snack(s) in the afternoon and I leave the office around 5:30pm depending on the day.  I eat my dinner when I get home, then if I'm hungry, have a snack.  I'm in bed by 10:00pm typically.

The weekends are a whole different story.  I do something different every weekend and there is no real structure.  I tend to go out more.  I tend to drink more.  I tend to find myself spoon deep in a jar of Nutella.  You know...things like that.

I would like to have a good and healthy weekend.  Here is my plan:

Friday
Breakfast - Fresh Diet delivery
Lunch - Fresh Diet delivery
Snack - Fresh Diet delivery
Dinner - We are going to a function after work and then dinner after that.  We are going what I affectionally call a hippy restaurant, but basically it is organic farm-to-table and lots of gluten free options for BFF.  I always get the sweet potato fries there as my meal.  Obviously it is no Fresh Diet meal, but it is still a decent option and it makes me feel like I'm having the most amazing treat.

Saturday
Breakfast - Fresh Diet Delivery
Lunch - Fresh Diet Delivery
Snack - This is the tough part.  I'm going to a movie.  I typically go to the movies to get movie theater buttered popcorn.  I love it.  I usually get a medium and eat most of it.  I know.  It's sick.  However, my goal is to eat a Fresh Diet snack before I go and try to do without.  I don't like "regular" popcorn enough to bring my own.  I guess maybe I could find another munchie snack to take, but really I don't think my issue is having to eat during the movie.  I just love the popcorn.  **Challenge Alert**
Dinner - Fresh Diet Delivery

Sunday
Breakfast - we always go out for Sunday breakfast, but I can make a healthy option. 
Lunch - The Fresh Diet item I don't eat on Friday.
Snack - I don't think I will need one.
Dinner - I'm going to grill steaks and roast root veggies.  Should be a tasty and healthy option.

Okay.  So I have a plan.  Now I just need to do it!

On the fitness front, I walked for 35 minutes today which was what program called for.  It is back to running/walking tomorrow!

Day #1 is done!

I got back to it today and I already feel so much better.

Food - I ate my Fresh Diet breakfast, snacks and dinner at work.  When I got home, I ate my lunch with a few tortilla chips.  I did have some chocolate leftover from the holiday that I had for dessert, but I don't feel bad about it.  It was the last of it.  :-)

Fitness - I did my first day of my running program.  Godmother decided to do it with me so I'm super excited.  I ran 1 minute then walked 2 minutes and repeated it 10 times.  It felt good!

Tomorrow the plan is to eat the food provided for me and walk 30 minutes at lunch with Godmother.  Simple enough.

One day at a time!

Once a Fat Girl, Always a Fat Girl

Things that indicate you are a Fat Girl:

1. You decide when you are going to start a diet...meaning some future date.  It is a perfectly timed decision.
2. If you have decided that you get some sort of treat, it doesn't matter if you are hungry or not...you are going to eat that treat.
3. You mislead yourself on how many calories consumed in any given day.
4. You can tell when you are "not doing well" because you kinda hate yourself.
5. You can tell when you are "doing well" because you feel happy and in control.
6. If a plan is not in place, you often make bad choices about food.
7. You're always conscious of how much space you take up or how much space is available to you.
8. You would never step up on a grocery bottom shelf to reach the top shelf.
9. You would never "jump" to sit on a table or a chair for fear of breaking it.
10. You have a completely messed up idea of clothing and sizes.

Things that do not necessarily indicate you are a Fat Girl:

1. Your weight.

I feel like crap.  I'm so out of control and it doesn't feel good.  I'm way smaller than I was when I originally started this journey, but in my head, I feel bigger. 

I'm now taking control.  Tomorrow:

1. I'm starting my month of Fresh Diet.  If for some reason on a day, I can't eat my Fresh Diet food, I must log my food.
2. I'm starting my new running program.

Phase I is Wed-Sun.  I'm always pretty good during the week, but then I fall apart on the weekends.  So this Fri-Sun will be a big deal.  Tomorrow I will run for the first time in a very long time.  I'm nervous, but it is time to make this happen.

Happy New Year!